Good day friends. This is an excerpt of Monteeclairs Gig 008- THE TRIBAL BAE. Our first facilitator has first-hand experience having married from another tribe. Mr. Peter (other names withheld) . He has been married for 20years and has 5 children. He worked in the banking industry for over 23 years. Currently he’s an industrialist & financial consultant and business owner.
Our second facilitator also had first-hand experience; Mrs. Ify (other names withheld), is a practicing pharmacist who graduated from the University of Lagos. She is happily married with 2 children.
Feel to ask more questions or make contribution in the comments section or send a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org and we will revert as soon as possible
Question 1: I was approached some years back by a man from the east of Nigeria, I’m from the south. He told me his parents don’t like my tribe but he was sure he’d convince them. I agreed. My 2 years with him were more of an emotional torture. I asked myself, was it my fault I came from another tribe? Who did I offend? Who really offended his parents for them to ban other tribes? So I decided I will never listen to another man from the east. Should I be thinking like this?
Facilitator: My dear, so many young people can relate with this experience of yours. Infact, i also had a similar experience. This is very rampant in Africa but also common in other parts of the world. You did not offend anyone. I must start by saving that when it comes to marriage, tribe should be the least thing to be considered. It is as a result of some fears that those parents have. Some reasons include fears, cultural differences, experience of friends, distance, experiences from the media like African-magic movies etc, these are all unfounded.
Question 2: Sir, I am from Abia state, I wanted to marry from Calabar, but two 2 mothers said No. Do I log out of d relationship?
Facilitator: Did you want to log out just because the 2 mothers said no or were there other issues? Did you try out other ways to prove to them that those fears and worries will not hold through in your situation or you simply logged out?
Response: I tried all I could, didn’t work
Participants’ response to Q2: This one disadvantage of history. It is caused by something that happened during the olden days. Some experiences during the civil war.
Question 3: A girl was dating a guy for over 8 months and travelled away from town (work related). At her area of duty, she fell in love with someone else; some time later she travelled back home only to be engaged by the man she had been dating. Now she’s in a dilemma of who to be with… The guy she was dating or someone she just fell in love with who also loves her in return.
Facilitator: To be able to answer your question i need more information. However the girl should pray and seek the face of GOD on the person to actually marry. Marriage goes beyond love. By the way did you say she loves two people at the same time
Facilitator: i believe that there are no two cases that are the same. Even if all your brothers had married ibo’s, there could still be bad experiences. I think what is important is that we understand the biblical principles of marriage and follow God through it all. A bad relationship is a bad relationship tribe notwithstanding.
Question 4: Am presently dating an Igbo girl, my parents are already signalling me to stop the relationship. Should I?
Facilitator: Please don’t stop just because of the signal from your parents. Find out why they are giving you the stop signal. Do the following-
- Find out what their fears are and show them why it won’t matter in your case
- You can seek higher counsel
iii. Pray about it
- Be patient
- Talk about it before it becomes a major issue.
- Give them some exposure to deal with their bias
vii. You can arrange for them to meet the girl one on one in a natural way so they can see her for who she is.
viii. You can identify successful intertribal marriages and let them see it as a model
Question 5: Sir tell us how you dealt with this tribalism in your marriage
Facilitator: My case was even more serious. I am an only son of my parents and an IGBO man. My parents wanted me to marry immediately I left secondary school. As a pastor’s son also it was easy for them to arrange would be spouses. But I had always wanted to marry from other tribes. What I did was to start discussing with them about my preferences. It did not go down well initially. But as I kept praying over it, God began to soften their hearts. At a point, they asked me to bring her picture, then they asked me to bring her to meet with them. And that was it. Infact, today they so enjoy my wife that my father calls her the ” woman from the land of Moab”
Question 6: I have been in a relationship for 4years now and i want to settle down with the young lady, but am still afraid of her flaws. She loves me so much even far more than I do, no doubt. But she gets angry easily and starts fighting me even when I have sworn never to touch her no matter what, I would just bear it all anytime she starts.
Again my parents said I can’t marry from her state, because my two uncles and a cousin that married there, their stories are not what to write home about at all, especially the one of my Dad’s immediate young brother. Please my question now is, ‘if I must marry her, how can I convince my parents? And if I must marry her how can I cope with that embarrassing flaw? And if I can’t marry her please how can I end this relationship ASAP?’
Facilitator: there are two issues here. One is that this lady is always fighting with you even though you have been together for 4 years. The second is that your parents do not want her. It will have been much easier to convince your parents if she was not displaying these flaws before them.
As it is now you need to first convince yourself if really you can cope with this relationship given that even before marriage she keeps ”fighting” you. What will happen after marriage? If are convinced you can’t cope , take the bold step and end it nicely. Convincing your parents does not even come in now. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Here it is not the tribal sentiment alone that is at play. Before you take any further step please seek the face of God
Facilitator 2: The story is a very long one, but i will summarize it. When I met my husband for the first time at my parents’ house, I didn’t understand that we were “traditionally related” or so they say; Having being brought up in a Christian home, where to me our beliefs and culture was grounded in Biblical teachings. Fast forward to when my husband expressed his desire to marry me, I was rudely shocked to discover certain traditional beliefs that didn’t make sense.
In my case people from his village and my mum’s village do not intermarry. It was a long tussle involving lots of arguments, talks, and prayers. But first things first, we both had to be sure we were not related by blood as the bible does not condone such.
Once we were sure, we tried our best to make both parents see reasons. We consulted uncles and elders in the village to speak to them too, but my husband’s parents were very adamant.
Well, we went back to God, several dry fasting, several night vigils, and several counselling sessions. Our parents didn’t budge! We decided to take a step of faith, found a bible believing Pastor and did the wedding ceremony without help from both families.
Together, we continued to plead and speak to our parents who eventually came round and the traditional ceremony was done…….the rest is history!
Question 8: So what would you advise someone in similar shoes….. You experienced yours and you made mistakes and know better? Do you think that was a good move? Was it bible backed?
Facilitator 2: We made the move after a personal conviction having prayed a lot. We could have been more patient as eventually our parents came round. Therefore, I would advise patience and persistence once you are sure that the person is truly your spouse
Parental consent is very important in a marriage. However, the issue arises when the parents involved are not Christians, or have misguided beliefs. Still it will be good to continue to pray and speak to them so that they give their blessings.
Question 9: Where does the bible meet tradition and what is the place of parental consent?
Facilitator 1: The relationships that God forbade in the Old Testament Law are listed in Leviticus chapter 18, verses 6-18. In that passage, we are commanded not to marry a parent, a step-parent, a grandchild (and, understood, a grandparent), a sibling, a brother or sister of a parent (i.e., an aunt or uncle), or a half-sibling.
Question 10: I’m in a relationship that both of us love each other very well. I decided to go and see her parents for me to start doing the needful. But on getting there, her parent after some inquiry discovered that both of us are related. According to them, traditionally we cannot marry, because it will be a taboo for the same lineage to get married, even though we are not from the same community. Please what do I do?
Facilitator 2: First of all are you very sure there is no blood relation? You will need to dig deeper to find out if there is. If there is, please you will need to let go. But if not and the parents involved are Christians, kindly involve a man of God and/or Christian Counsellor to speak to the parents to come round. Also realize it is a battle, because it is a belief system that has been on for a while. So you will need to pray! pray! pray!
Facilitator 2: I would say, the individuals involved would need to think long and hard and take a decision either to remain together or let go. None of which is easy, but stand by that decision and ask God for help
Question 11: Please show where marriage is in the Bible, in other words where does it say God instituted it⁉
Facilitator 1: The Bible records the creation of marriage in Genesis 2:23–24: “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” God created man and then made woman to complement him. In the Bible marriage is God’s “fix” for the fact that “it is not good for the man to be alone” -Genesis 2:18